A Well Written Harry Potter Fanfic
by jade
Summary: One-shot. Exactly as the title says. It's very well-written, depending on who you ask. Is Harry suffering from temporary insanity? Or does he really want Draco's body? Cheers!


I take no responsibility for this fanfic. It's all…well, you'll see. I felt like writing something to make people laugh and well, have at thee!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Warnings: Sexual innuendo, sexual situations (nothing that goes pass the PG-13 ratings, I assure you), and swearing.

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A Well-Written Harry Potter Fanfic

No, scratch that.

No, that title is fine.

No, it isn't. It's a horrible title. It should be called something poetic like, "A Day Among Cherry Blossoms."

That title is fruity.

As said before, 'A Well-Written Harry Potter Fanfic'.

No—

-

Harry Potter was sitting with his back to the tree, enjoying the warm sunshine of the day. It was nearing summer time and he treasured the peaceful times he had to himself. He just wanted more times like these, when he didn't have to—

When he didn't have to think about how horrible it was to be Harry Potter. And what a dreadful name! It's the name of a gardener. Harry wished he could be more like Draco Malfoy. Now there was a boy above all others—

In being a stupid git. Harry couldn't believe he had a case of real and actual temporary insanity where he thought Draco was cool. Now that he was over that, he was looking out over the sweeping grounds of Hogwarts. He wondered where Ron and Hermione—

Dying of horrible acidy deaths. It was a tragic accident and Harry had decided to just leave them to their fates. After all, they were kind of useless. Well, maybe not Granger, 'cause she was smart, but Weasley was _clearly_ useless. No, instead, Harry went back to his thoughts on Draco—

Which he already determined were in fact caused by temporary insanity. And also, Ron and Hermione were not dying horrible acidy deaths. They were in the library—

Snogging. Oh wait, no they weren't. Weasley couldn't find second base with a map. Granger was reading up on how lousy it was to not be a pureblood like the wonderful and great Draco Malfoy and Ron was helping her in the hopes of one day getting into her—

Good books. They fought sometimes, but they were still the best of friends. Hermione had also apparently suffered from temporary insanity. No one would think that stupid, Snape-loving—

Draco Malfoy did _not _like Severus Snape. He had a grudging respect for the professor because his professor had all sorts of great powers to lord over the other students. Not that Draco was without his own; he just had to give honor where honor was due. Now, back to Granger and Weasley's acidy deaths—

Which were not occurring because if they were, Harry would have been there to prevent it from happening. Harry was just like that. He always looked out for his friends. So anyways, Harry was looking out on the lawn—

Where he saw the devastatingly handsome Draco Malfoy walking across the lawn towards him. His heart began to pitter-patter in his chest. He had the biggest crush on Draco and he had never confessed a word of it because Draco's earth-shattering beauty was—

Non-existent. He did not see Draco Malfoy anywhere. That was obviously another bout of temporary insanity. He should probably go see Madam Pomfrey about it. He also did not have a crush on Draco Malfoy, he had a crush on the pretty Cho Chang. She—

Was the ugliest girl in the entire universe. Draco had seen her naked, it wasn't all that impressive. But back to Draco, who _was_ there but Harry had pretended it must be a dream because Draco would never have walked up to insignificant Potter. Draco had delicate blonde hair that was styled perfectly around his face so that one could see all his features perfectly. His pale skin was like ivory, no, like milk. Harry had many naughty fantasies about running his tongue along that milky skin—

That Cho had. Cho was a particularly pretty girl with dark hair that went down her back in glossy locks and blue eyes that were the same color as summer skies. Harry was sure that he thought Draco was there was because of the horrible temporary insanity he had just suffered. In fact, it was probably his scar. It was obviously horrible nightmarish images sent to him by—

His own teenage libido. Seriously, he was always thinking about jumping Draco after class for a quick snog—

No, he wasn't!

Yes he was!

_No_, he wasn't.

_Yes_, he was. Everybody wants to jump Draco Malfoy after class for a quick snog. It was because of Malfoy's utterly perfectly shaped lips, that were as soft as petals. Harry was always fantasizing about them—

Harry has not _ever_ fantasized about Draco's petal soft lips.

But admits that he thinks Draco's lips are petal soft.

Gah! So, Harry thought hard—

Because of his raging erection caused by Draco's presence—

Harry didn't have an erection, he was just looking out over the peaceful grounds of Hogwarts, where _no one _was walking. Except Cho. Cho was there, coming towards Harry, probably for a quick snog—

During which, Harry would only think of the one man he could never have, Draco Malfoy.

He would actually just think of Cho, because he was perfectly straight.

Harry just thought he was straight because he was boffing Cho Chang, but everyone boffs Cho Chang. Even Draco had, on a night when he had too much to drink and so therefore can't be blamed for his actions. Besides, Cho had been all over him like a cheap suit. Talking about how much better he was than Harry. Stroking his ego. Stroking a few other things now that Draco recalls—

None of that ever happened. Draco was just making stuff up to get Harry mad—

Mad with jealousy that is. Harry would die of envy if he knew Cho had done Draco before he had. He was probably—

Not jealous of Draco at all. He thought Cho was a good and respectable young woman who would never degrade herself at all. He knew Cho was—

The opposite of a virgin. Harry gave up on that idea because Cho had probably done Neville. And Crabbe—

Crabbe was Draco's boyfriend—

Draco would _never _date a lackey. That would just be wrong. So, Draco was walking up to Harry—

Which was all an illusion sent by the Dark Lord. This could happen when—

Harry was in complete denial of his sexual urges towards the super attractive Draco Malfoy. Draco was going up to Harry to laugh at his lack of proper family and a few of the usual things but Harry wanted him. Harry wanted him badly. So Harry got up—

And punched Draco in the face. Then he pulled out his wand—

And used a Leg-Locker curse on Draco. Harry liked it rough. He wanted to have his way with Draco, but Draco wouldn't let him. If anyone was the bottom in this scenario it was Harry. Malfoys are never bottoms. Draco pulled out his wand—

Which Harry broke and then ran for it—

His lust for Draco was too great. He had to go relieve himself of the tremendous pressure building up in his pants by masturbating in the boys' bathroom.

Actually, Harry ran away, and he didn't have an erection and decided to go visit Hermione and Ron in the library. Hermione had been doing Arithmancy homework and Ron was hoping to get help with his Charms essay. So Harry entered the library and saw the two working—

On each other. Ron Weasley may have been a waste of precious air, but he knew how to use his mouth. Draco, who incidentally, was in the library with his lackeys, who he was not romantically involved with, knew this because Weasley had once given him one hell of a blow job—

Ron would never do such a thing because it would be wrong. Just…wrong. They were not doing anything inappropriate, they were just—

Okay, that blow job comment was untrue. Weasley didn't know shit when it came to anything. But Harry did. He practiced all the time, on popsicles, lollipops, chair legs, you name it. He couldn't wait until he could go down on Draco Malfoy—

And beat the living crap out of him. Ron and Hermione were working but noticed Harry right away—

And Draco, who was there with Crabbe and Goyle.

Anyways, they waved him over to the table. "Harry," Hermione began. "We were just talking about—"

"Something really stupid." Hermione finished. "So, to change the subject, did you get to boff Draco Malfoy like we all know you want to do?"

Ron immediately knew that something had to be wrong with Hermione and therefore slapped her. Hermione realized she had suffered from temporary insanity and was forgiven for her comments. "I don't know what came over me. It's probably Dark Magic though. I should check some books about it—maybe I should ask Dumbledore too, what do you think?"

"I think you should stop being such a boring apple-kisser." Harry told her. "And no, I didn't get to have sex with that amazing god-like man, Draco Malfoy. I ran from him because I am a fool."

"Harry must be suffering from the same Dark Magic, because he's saying things that aren't even near being true!" Ron exclaimed in a stunned voice. Harry was glad that Ron and Hermione knew he was insane to say anything about Draco—

Whom he was deeply attracted to and therefore was trying to cover it up again. Weasley was too much of a blood-traitor to tell anything to and Hermione was too much of a dork. Harry decided that he should probably just jump Draco right then and there. As he started to get up—

He sat right back down because the insanity was conquered. He would never have strange sexual thoughts about Malfoy again—

Until he was alone with his favorite sexual companion—

A girl—

His hand.

"Maybe we should go to the hospital wing and ask Madam Pomfrey to keep the doors locked so that no one can come see us." Hermione suggested.

Which was the closest to Granger ever admitting she'd always wanted to do two guys at once. She was such a prude that no one would have ever suspected that—

Hermione was a perfectly virgin girl with the morals of a saint and would never—

She probably was a virgin. That much should be obvious. Buck-teeth and bushy hair don't really do it for most men. Except Weasley, but then, Weasley wasn't really a man.

Harry decided that he should probably walk away from them for now and not go anywhere near Draco Malfoy who was a pervy Harry fancier. He decided that his best bet was to hang out with Fred and George—

Who were too busy snogging in the Restricted Section and so Harry was faced with the decision of getting on his knees and begging Malfoy to have his way with him—

Which he would never do and Harry knew that any ideas he would for some reason be getting about shagging Malfoy were just dangerous illusions sent by the Dark Lord. He decided to go get his Firebolt—

Harry decides to take a _ride _instead of doing Malfoy? Alright, well, that's what he would have done but he instead got down on his knees and asked Malfoy if he, Harry Potter, could have the great honor of unzipping Draco's pants—

And cursing him to never reproduce. Ever.

Harry started to get up—

But fell to his knees again. That erection he always had around Draco made it hard to walk. So he looked up into Draco's pale blue eyes and said—

"I freaking hate you Malfoy." Harry declared.

"You want me, you know you do." Draco's sexy tones were too much for Harry. The Boy Who Lived was about to be the Boy Who Blew Malfoy—

"The Insanity! It's a dark curse!" Harry yelled—

While still on his knees in front of Draco's crotch—

"Somebody needs to find a way to break the curse, right now!" Harry yelled, knowing that Hermione and Ron would come running—

But even if they did, Crabbe and Goyle stopped them. Draco knew it paid to have lackeys. "Get to work Mr. Potter." Draco gestured towards his pants and Harry, unable to resist the urge any longer—

Got up and punched Malfoy in the jaw—

Once again, Potter liked it rough—

And only with girls—

But roughly, as Harry well knew. That's why he wanted Draco so much.

He did _not _want Draco.

Of course he did.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did.

Shut up and stop typing!

-

Harry launched himself off the computer chair he was at and tackled Draco Malfoy, who had been sitting next to him in a computer chair. Harry ended up on top of Draco, who was a bit disheveled from falling off his chair.

"Would you stop doing that!" Harry asked in exasperation.

"Why?" Draco smiled slyly.

"Because…it's just…weird…" Harry felt his face flushing as he realized the position they were in.

"Wanna see?" Draco started to get up, propping himself up on his elbows.

"See what?" Harry thought Draco's face was a little too close to his own.

"If they're petal soft." Draco quirked a devious eyebrow. Harry opened his mouth to protest but Draco took advantage of the situation by covering Harry's mouth with his own.

Hermione turned around in her chair, which had been facing away from where the two boys were currently snogging.

"I _told _them not to write a fanfic together." Hermione sighed and shook her head.

"It seems to have done them some good." Ron's eyebrows were threatening to disappear into his hair as he watched the two boys. "Maybe…"

"Maybe what?" Hermione's eyebrows knit together.

"Maybe we should write a fanfic together." Ron suggested. Hermione moaned and dropped her head into her hands.

"No, we shouldn't."

"But—"

"No."

"Dammit. I thought she'd go for it for sure." Ron said to himself quietly.

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Ta da! That was amusing. I was laughing so hard during some parts that I couldn't breathe. Hoped you guys enjoyed it too!


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